You tube posting of Media in the Mix.

A version of the video that was made to accompany this research has now been put on You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LF1hEG1qEOM.

Update on my media work.

I am still trying to find a way to put my video on Vimeo or U tube or here. It seems it is just a touch too long. I wanted to check out the Vimeo's copyright rules too, and had to join them to ask the question, but I have yet to have a reply. I am trying to get copies done therefore to send out to relevant people. From time to time I am adding embroidery to my pictures using beads from mine and Nathan's past. I attach a picture. Nicest of all though I have had a meeting with one of the students on the course so I have caught up with everyone's news.

Belated complaint.

I talked with a friend about whether to put in a formal complaint to the uni. She is a counsellor so understandably wanted to know why emotionally I wanted to complain. Truth is cos I complain about a lot of things I actually did not want to and for reasons I do not understand nothing about the course seemed so important. I also do not believe that any complaint will be properly heard and in my case it is a vague sense of never quite being engaged with by my tutor so a difficult complaint to address. I know that if I had had the money to stay on I would have had to have worked a hell of a lot harder and maybe really challenge my approach to study, and that is what I actually wanted. I still believe in my work though so will carry on trying to get somewhere with my exhibition ideas. I mulled over whether to complain, visited the V and A where an Ele Carpenter was getting a whole bunch of people to embroider computer words. The collaborative nature of the exercise intrigued me and related to what I would have liked to do, so I wanted to talk with her and see how it sort of worked. I also did some work and contributed to her project so that was really nice. And then I did it I sent off my complaint.

Hmm

Apparently my low grade may have something to do with the fact that they have only marked the written work and not the video, book or hanging, which of course was half the work. Clearly my teachers feel that there is a reason for doing this and to be fair when I got the written work back I realised it was appalling, with error upon error in the bibliography despite me working really hard to get every one right, but part of me thinks hmm. They knew all the practical work was part of it, it was covered through appendices, partly at their suggestion, and now it does not even get a mention in the feedback. Hmm, does not feel quite right.

South Bank University continues to disappoint.

A couple of weeks ago I got the good news bad news. The good news. I passed the course, the bad news it was a crap grade. I wish I could say that was the fault of the University, but if that was their judgement then that was their judgement, regardless of whether I thought the work did what I wanted it to do and I was pleased about it. But I only had one tutorial pre-handing in the work, and I have not had the feedback. In fact I have had to chase the uni in order to see how I can get my work back and how have the panic that it is floating about some where in a Faculty Office, being supervised by someone who is away, and that if I do not get it soon, they will get rid of it.

Thanks for letting me know in enough time to organise getting it, it is not like I spent about £3000 on the work and still want to quietly finish it in my own time.

Suffice it to say my current conclusion is not to recommend them and to think thank goodness I am not still there, though there were pleasures attached to the process, they were not enough under the circumstances.

Conclusion

I undertook this research partly as a way of giving voice to a journey that started 22 years ago for me. Most parents are concerned for the mental health and wellbeing for their child. A white parent of a black child is faced with a whole range of contradictions: on one level their child is just a child like any other, but in creating that mix a whole range of other factors come into play. This project has allowed me to look at some of these factors, from biology, to media effects theory, to media ownership, to concepts of black identity and masculinity. This essay can only just touch on this cocktail and begin to tease out the elements and there are clearly elements that have not fully been addressed in this space. Also a new generation of young mixed people is coming into being and their story will be slightly different to this one. But although my findings are very inchoate; the visual exploration of them accompanied by this essay, confirms my belief that this was a journey worth taking and that using these tools to develop media literacy is very important in a media saturated world.

Findings

Whilst doing this research I have become aware of a wide range people such as Shami Chakrabahti, who cite specific media products (e.g. To Kill a Mockingbird) or events as a great influence with regard to their career choices. But media effects theory suggests that real measurable long term effects from media is very difficult to establish beyond doubt:

“Television, movies and new media have been blamed for every kind of social problem and antisocial act, and countless studies have set out to quantify their harmful effects. Gauntlett argues that much of this blame is misplaced, and that the methodology used to justify it is deeply flawed. Screen media is a central part of modern social life, and an importance influence upon how we see the world. But its 'effects' will necessarily be complex and indirect, whilst many of the ill effects attributed to screen media are really the result of more serious social problems” http://www.theory.org.uk/david/book7.htm 08.12.10

Some of the parents I spoke with for worried about the potential negative impact of the media on their family. One interviewee worried about negative female models and the American emphasis in British media so excluded TV from her house, but promoted a more multicultural world view through her use of books, and music. Another wondered if “Did words like “coon” in TV programmes like “Till Death Us Do Part” contribute to racist language among white people. The South American parents: all worried about the “safety” of the internet, but they had also searched the internet to find TV programmes that they had grown up with, to show to their UK born children, to help them develop a sense of South American identity. .

My research with six single parent families indicated that contact with the culture of the missing parent is greater than may initially be apparent: suggesting the “need” for media input is less than I anticipated. Cabarello (2010) in her study of Lone Parents of Mixed Children Then and Now found a range of contact with the missing father and their culture, she also found many lone parents of mixed children were middle class and that in both two parent and one parent households with mixed children mothers “ strongly feel a responsibility to impart racial and cultural literacy to their children” p11 The media is a main tool in this process. Katz (1996) noted that the women in his survey who had partners from a different background were more adventurous; but that those with a more fearful disposition in general, also tended to be more concerned with the impact of racism on their children and this was reflected in the importance that they put on developing cultural literacy. So while the use of media to help generate a sense of cultural identity is common practice, emphasis on it may be more important in “insecure” homes and as Rockquemore and others suggest this emphasis on black culture within an otherwise white culture may have unexpected consequences.

Rockquemore’s (2002) American research on Negotiating the Color Lone found that:

“white single mother’s of (black/mixed respondents were not overtly racist, but instead racialized the negative feelings they had about the respondents fathers. Those racialised feelings were communicated to their children…subtly as criticism for the non custodial parent with continued emphasis on this blackness.

So there may be a negative edge to the cultural literacy. Barn and Harman (2005) also warn that:

“Emphasis on black culture and achievement and the historical context of enslavement and oppression by white people may be unhelpful.. There is a possibility that some young people may develop negative feelings towards white people, including members of their own family, thus white parents may feel isolated or rejected with negative implications for parent-child relationships. “

And Tate(2003) in Everything but the Burden, Nigs R Us or How Black People Became Fetish Objects, raising the spectre of white parents as consumers of their child’s cool black image,

“Our music, Our Fashion, Our hairstyles, Our music, Our dances, Our anatomical traits, Our bodies, Our soul was still considered ever ripe for the plucking and the biting by the same crafty devils who brought you the African slave Trade and the Middle Passage”

So while it may seem logical for white parents to try and use the media to impart black cultural literacy, it is not always a neutral or uncontested activity.

When I gave birth to my son 22 years ago perhaps I was trying to stand apart from the UK norm, but today according to the 2001 UK Census the ”population who identify as being of “mixed” ethnicity is the third largest and one of the fastest growing ethnic groups in Britain.” (Caballero 2008) And for the first time the UK has a generation of young black people brought up in single white parent households. (Owen 2007) Although the mixed population is greater than other parts of Europe, this mixed phenomenon is world wide. Yet if my son had gone into care the chances are that social services would have felt a black family was more appropriate as adoptive parents than a white family:

“Children of mixed parentage who have a white and a black parent are no different to other black children. Almost invariably they will be identified as black by society… Such children, with parents from different races, should feel good about having one white parent and one black parent. Society will make them feel good about being white. It follows that the children are best placed in homes which will redress this balance and make them feel good about being black too” Barn and Harman 2005

As a white parent of a black child I clearly find this approach problematic, but I also subscribed to the idea that my son would be exposed to his white side naturally, and that I would have to find other ways to represent his black side, even though I was not sure what this meant, and give him the tools to deal with the racism he would face. I included selected use of the media to do this and two of the parents I interviewed followed a similar approach.

“Well first of all it is important that children see how their parents demonstrate or introduce new stuff to them by doing it all at home where they can see. Books and films only then to remain in the things you have already started in their lives as a way of life to them. Take for instance I speak 3 languages to my daughter and all of them mean the same thing but in Swedish, English and my mother tongue i.e. African dialect. Then when she sees movies and they say similar things she understands directly and by so doing she can see many more films from my country and keep learning more by watching films. But it is good that the movies have moral that can keep guard of their growth so they don’t copy wrong idea that won’t work for them in a society as they live in today i.e the western world. So it goes from the state of learning what ways and diversities of culture from different background and then they know how t to apply it in different society in a positive way. But I think the end result of everything you introduce to children is how they create other new ideas to keep a balance of where they are and what they know. So in my own words I think you start by teaching them slowly at home.” (Nigerian single father with a young Swedish daughter)

“I think first and foremost you HAVE to give that child a positive self image and confidence, so they are able to deal with anything that comes along…I have done this by using media in part, using multi cultural resources that depict positive images of black people, or people from other cultures. This has been books, films, news items, music, everything, it’s embedded in our daily life” White British single mum with a black Kenyan step-son.

As illustrated earlier this is not an unsurprising or natural response, but as already it can be problematic for instance one of the women I interviewed had a daughter of mixed North African British heritage, but when she tried to introduce African material into their home and joined a mixed parentage group, her daughter rejected the sense of pain and difference that this exposed her to, partly because none of the representations of black culture fitted in with the black culture she had roots in, or her own comfortable sense of being British. But she did find the story of Harriet Taubman useful in other ways as an inspirational female story. While another parent who tried to introduce her son to his black African roots, through books and the electronic media just meet extreme hostility, to his black identity until her son grew up.

In the interview with my son he acknowledged that much of the media we used together, as evidenced in my practical project, had black male leads in it, and that films about Malcolm X say were inspirational to him. But he also believes all media in the UK is ideologically and white owned that none of the media he was exposed to was on its own really helpful in creating his sense of identity, and that even if he had grown up in a world only populated by white images he would still be the person he is today. Worse he feels that misrepresentations of black people in the media contributes to the racism he experienced growing up (and the women at the BHM meeting would agree with him) as it contributes to people’s negative stereotypes of young men like himself. Current research on stereotypes does suggest that they can be very powerful, both in a positive and negative sense:

What is the function of storing knowledge about other people? How does this function help us understand how stored knowledge is translated into interpersonal behaviour? In this article, we suggest that a) stored knowledge about a social group (e.g. a stereotype) can provide useful information for interacting effectively with group members, and b) automatic social behaviour that arises from the activation of a social category can be the result of perceivers preparing to interact with a group member. This preparation to interact, in turn, results in systematic and measurable automatic behaviour” Cesario, Plaks and Higgins 2006

It is early days to suggest what this research contributes to media effects theory and cultural identity, but their findings that stereotypes automatically influence our behaviour may challenge the idea that media effects are not measurable and it may be relevant in establishing whether the media can be used as a tool to create positive identities.

Racist argue that white people are racially superior to people with any black blood and that stereotypes are rooted in biology. Current research does not support their theory:

“There is much more genetic variation within a racially defined group that there is between any two such groups on the assumption that the purpose of classifying a thing is to convey information about that thing, this observation suggests that classifying by race is, at least from a biological point of view, pointless or even meaningless.” (Dupre 2005)

Some black people also argue that there is something essential about a black person that makes them black and they would include all children of mixed black origin into this concept. Others favour the idea that difference stems from culture, history and sociological concepts of race and that the different histories of black and white people, the unconscious and conscious impact of these histories on people’s sense of identity, plus cultural differences, plus racism and essentialism, plus representations and stereotypes of these differences means that the identity of these children is currently contested. And as my son and the women at the BHM meeting noted, one of the difficulties in using the media to provide a model of what it is to be black and male is the role of the media in maintaining a white hegemonic model of society. Mistry for instance notes that

“Gramsci’s notion of hegemony …..can be used to identify both elements of the old racist stereotypes and new, but destructive, representations of racial minorities in the current media of seemingly liberal society. Thus, it is unsurprising that racism, though perhaps more covertly pervades our society.”

While Pilkington, in considering racial disadvantage in the UK notes that:

“press and television news are often characterized …as racist. we need, however, to make a distinction here between what Stuart Hall (1995) calls”overt” and inferential”racism. Overt racism is apparent when “favourable coverage is given to (those) who are in the business of elaborating an openly racist argument” while inferential racism is evident when coverage is seemingly balanced but “ racist premises” (are)inscribed… as set of unquestioned assumptions” (see appendix for an example of this type of news story from the Daily Telegraph) The cumulative effect of stereotypical and negative representations of minority groups in the news and more generally in the media and popular culture, it is often argued, is “ to promote and consolidate a racist “commonsense” which serves to justify and help maintain a racial “inequality” (Gordon and Rosenberg 1989:38) While representations of minority communities are subject to selective perception by audiences and their meanings open to diverse interpretations, the assumption is that individuals, who do not have first-hand experiences of these communities will have no reason to challenge them” Pilkington 2003

All this chimes with my son’s understanding of the racism he experienced, in that he felt people behaved towards a media generated stereotypical version of a young black man, rather than to him as an individual.

So what are these stereotypes? Daley (c2007) suggests that the media, has a limited range of black stereotypes from The Tom or Good Negro, The Coon, The Tragic Mulatto, The Mammy and the Brutal Black Buck, and none of them, including the Good Negro model, are attractive stereotypes. Hall, according to Mistry identifies three models: The mammy, the native and the entertainer. But American research notes: “contemporary media representations of African Americans can be best described as paradoxical; blacks are simultaneously underrepresented and overrepresented in American media culture” ( Watkins 2000) while most commentators believe media representation of black people to be negative Quoted in the same article Dates (1980) notes that black youths are heavier television viewers than white youths, and that they “generally rated black television characters more positively than did non-blacks. Thus, she asserts that television does not have a negative influence on the self-esteem of black television viewers”. Roberts also notes this heavier use of the media by young black people in the US. (Roberts 2000) However, Graves fears that this heavy media use itself disadvantages black youths as it means less time to develop more academic skills.(Graves 1996)

If long term representations of a group of people do have an effect on its audience what would such representations mean for the black (and white and mixed) people? Alexander (1996) in her study of young black men living in various parts of London found that the stereotypes about them did not match the rich tapestries of their lives, but she also found that the men she studied used a huge range of stereotypes to negotiate all aspects of their lives, from assumptions about clubs in different parts of London, to assumptions about white people, and that these stereotypes of produced effects that confirmed these stereotypes e.g. fights with people from different areas As a result of her research Alexander challenges Baumann’s idea of fixed identities and Troyna’s views that (1979)

the reactions of black youth to life in Britain fall into three categories, mainstreamer, compromiser, and rejecter, which can be read off from the forms of social life enjoyed by the individual. The mainstream listens to pop music: the compromiser to soul music and “sweet” reggae: while the rejecter inevitably turns to Rastafari and its associated culture of hard reggae, …Black culture therefore is thus seen as a refuge for personal failure and feelings of inadequacy which expresses a negative stance towards the wider society from which it is excluded. The equation of expressive cultures with deviance and hence with criminality is easily and consistently drawn.” Alexander 1996)

But unfortunately she does not explore the role of the media in these young men’s lives. .

However, the importance of stereotypes to their sense of self calls to mind Gramsci’s idea of spontaneous consent and Althussers’s ideas about interpellation that suggest that the white media position black people in such a way, that their disadvantaged position seems the call out as something natural to black people drawing them in to maintain their disadvantage even when as consumers and producers they are move actively engaged with the media than ever?

“within this arena Ricky was able to manipulate black stereotypes to create an image of success and of personal power. He remained aware, however, of the limitations upon this image because of its failure to penetrate beyond the bounds of a narrowly defined sphere in white black masculinity was both positively definted and circumscribed. Within this arena, his primary, if not sole, identity was defined by phenotype, to move beyond that would be to redefine this identity and render it powerless. “ Alexander 1996

The concept of stereotype threat may also be relevant (ReducingStereotypeThreat.org) , for this suggests that people trying not to act in a stereotypical way may actually land up reinforcing the stereotype itself instead helping sustain the circle of disadvantage that many young black men from single parent household inhabit. .

So for someone like my son, even when provided with positive black media messages, the predominant media messages he received often via other people was negative, and in responding to these messages, whilst trying to find his own way in Britain, he drew on them, in a way that reinforced the negatives. So during his teenage years, this is what happened with him, he felt that society was labeling him as black, gangsta, and ghetto, and that much of the media put out for young black and mixed black and white is gangsta ghetto,(both from black and the predominantly white media) and so he “lived” this black stereotype and his attainment level and sense of belonging within school for instance was very much diminished as a consequence. And this process was further influenced by the growth of rap culture during his youth. But and this is where other cultural models and concepts of the media may also apply, he was also aware that yes, he may prefer, media that in some way reflected who he was, i.e. black and male, but it was often other aspects of these media products that also drew him in, some were guilty pleasures just for fun, while others he enjoyed for their message of friendship and escape and in the long run, he felt that the impact of the media on his sense of identity was less than other factors in his life and that what impact there was very much in conjunction with other aspects of his life, such as visits to family in Kenya. This approach to the media fits in with Bronfenbrenner’s Ecological Model of Child Development and confirms Tate’s view that “By choosing these approaches he (Baumann) denies the existence of differences of gender, sexuality, class, ability, kinship and location and how these would cross cut any unified putative search for culture”

In the 22 years since my son was born a mixed heritage man has achieved the unthinkable and become the President of the United States .In the history of black civil rights there have been many false dawns and periods of great backlash, but in Obama’s era, more and more media personal are black or mixed and the rise in reality TV has brought a greater variety of ethnicities onto TV so real and substantial change may be occurring. But the history of negative representations and stereotypes, are still culturally embedded In the US there is some evidence (Brown J and Pardun C 2004) that culturally the two media worlds :black and white, virtually never meet and with more segmentation of the media and greater use of the internet, it is easier for audiences to avoid cross over media. Brtain is not America but in Britain most media is still white dominated, even when much British culture, especially youth culture, is black in origin. However, under the new Equality Act:

“along with other public bodies, the BBC will need to show how it has considered active steps to advance equality, eliminate discrimination and foster good relations between people from different groups across various activities and functions.”

So while in theory improvements should follow; negative stereotypes may still impact.

Methodology

There are methodological and ethical issues in researching such a topic. People do not always like being treated as an object, many black people have been especially disadvantaged by so called scientific approaches to race, many single parents are stigmatized for “their behaviour” I am no different, so this may explain the reticence of some friends when I turned the spot light on our lives. I found developing the links with organizations and individuals in order to undertake extensive personal research on this topic was not possible within the time available. I wrote to an extensive number of relevant organizations, but only a couple responded and none of this correspondence developed into co-operation, despite having links with some of the organizations. I meet with some People in Harmony members at their Annual Meeting, some one from Intermix at the launch of Cabarello’s research at the South Bank University and Helen Barrett of the Family and Parenting Institute, with whom I used to work; all of whom were interesting but none of which led to integrated work.

I researched how to develop a questionnaire (http://www.surveysystem.com/sdesign.htmn) and developed a prototype questionnaire for use with parents and their offspring. (Appendix B) I also took from Katz (1996) and Gauntlett’s (2005) work some of the questions included. Katz for instance asked about three key events in a person’s life as this gave a clue as to that person’s concept of their life story and Gauntlett noted that identifying with someone may be indicative of a healthy sense of self. I liked the colour that these questions brought to my study for instance one of the parents choose Martin Luther King, and her earliest media memory had been Daktari, while my son choose Jimi Hendrix for his personality and his “racial” mix.

As I could not get many participants I used this original questionnaire to develop a more general questionnaire that was put out of Monkey Survey. With a free survey one is limited to ten questions. Although the participants were confidential some where done by friends and from their feedback I knew that not all the questions were as clear as they could have been, and I had a similar problem with my more specific questionnaire for instance some correspondents were not confident of what was meant by media. With regard to the Monkey Survey also most of them were not from single parent families so their evidence complemented my research, rather than informing it, but it was interesting to see how the internet can be used to generate research questionnaires. (For further details see Appendix C) I also used some of these questions with some South American students who now live with their families in the UK.

As I was unable to organize a workshop specifically with my original target group, I organized a workshop on a related topic, “Has Obama’s Election Changed African Caribbean Media Representation” during Black History Month in Haringey. This was a hugely emotional challenge, but the generous contributions of the participants enabled me to understand how powerfully let down by media representations many of them felt and how the few positive media images available in no way compensated for the mainly huge negative images that they felt the media purveys.(Appendix D)

I also undertook two extensive interviews with my son, again using the basic questionnaire established at the outset and built up a diary of our media use. (A copy of one is available on Appendix E along with an interview with a single parent and her mixed daughter.) But in addition to my reading, and these interviews, my main tool has been the introspective participatory observation work done on myself via the practical project. My practical project used media technologies in conjunction with more traditional craft based technology to develop an image of me looking up at my son. I am wearing a mix of African and western clothing that has been embedded with media images. In my hand I have a laptop, which references, the film of the interview that I have yet to edit and there is also a book of pictures of my son, juxtaposed with nuggets of theory.

So my self directed learning has enabled me to engage with a range of ideas. My practical project allowed me to mull over my experiences, express my experiences and compare my experiences with other studies and my findings are a synthesize of this process. The process has been facilitated by the use of new technologies such as online research, and photoshop and editing, and given the huge expansion of young mixed British people and mixes elsewhere has relevance as a case study for both the UK and elsewhere.

Underpinning theories

Underpinning theories.

Researching media effects, the impact of stereotypes and issues of representation is complex. My first degree is in art, history and media and I was a media lecturer for many years so have been exposed to media effects theory, but I wanted to actively engage with these ideas within the context of my own life: I am a white single parent, my son is black. I have read to expand my knowledge on: how parents develop cultural literacy within the family,(Caballero 2008) different models of race (Dupre 2005) , the world of gangs, (Heale 2008) black male culture (Alexander 1996) and how this feeds back into concepts of cultural literacy. The media theories that I drew on included Althusser’s (1989) concept of interpellation, models from the Birmingham school that acknowledge both the hegemonic nature of media, and the potential of audiences to actively engage with the media. The work of Hall ((1995:21) is key especially because of his awareness of race and audiences. I also drew on Brofenbrenner’s Model of Child Development (1979) as that placed my son’s experience within the real world context. Seven Black Men, is an exemplar of how such a model can be used, and confirmed for me the validity of such an approach. (2005)

From the outset my plan was to blend theory with practical practice and Gauntlett’s (2005) active research model supported this approach. My initial plan was to ask other single white parents and their mixed grownup offspring to produce a creative representation or box of resources reflecting their media use, and to present this as an exhibition. So this term as a prototype of the type of material such pairs could produce I have started producing my own bit of a box to help me consider the resources my son and I used. (For more detail on this aspect of the study see Appendix A) As a result of all this work I feel I have a better understanding of how stereotypes impact on all human relationships, and may contribute to racism and lack of aspiration within certain groups of people, even in circumstances where positive media images are increasingly available, but only as a small part of other things happening in people’s lives.

Media in the Mix

Media in the Mix: The use and impact of the media 1980’s to the present in a dual heritage household.

“ I don’t see myself as mixed race I see myself as being me”

NSCA June 3^rd 2010

Aims, Objectives and Rationale

The aim of the research is to look at the use and impact of the media in dual heritage households from the 1980’s onwards especially with consideration to the concepts of interpellation, stereotype and representation. The rationale for doing this work is to try and establish whether media designed to provide a positive representation of black masculinity had any impact on my son’s identity, to establish if his experience is paralleled in other similar families and to explore the implications for other media users and to try and reflect on this creatively.

Friday 11th looms

You would think not working and being slightly more human I would have all the Certificate in Creative Media all wrapped up. But somehow I have lost all energy for it. I love it when I get in and do the editing, but somehow everything else has gone and I just want to finish it. I think it would be different if I was going on, because I think that there are ways the work could go, but now it is more for me, just doing it. And I still cannot quite work out how to finish my practical work, but at least in the essay I sort of say what I was trying to say, which if you think about it, is amazing. I was also able to draw on the input of friends much more than I realised, which is also amazing.

I will try and put the essay on this blog in chunks.

Friday 10th has come and gone.

Friday 10th has come and gone: the day all my work was due in. But time has become such a weird thing, this half life, when not working formally and only well enough to study sporadically that I have no sense of time or what it is. Today for instance I sat and read the information on extensions, something I have tried to grapple with before, but today I acted on the information, so rather than studying for a couple of hours, I have sort of filled in forms, and sort of approached people, but I have no real sense as to whether the information I am providing is right or adequate to get me this extension beyond a time that has already come and gone, and because I cannot get the request for an extension to the office in the due time then maybe none of this time has been spent for anything.

I would love to spend more time editing. I finally did some on Friday and it was great, love it. the whole reason I was here studying, or almost and it is only on the last day, that I finally do some.

Let's hope I get an extension and can do some more.

useful start and frustrations.

I was well enough to get to see the Disability Advisor so that was the very useful start, but then only had energy to spend a short time on the editing

Psychologically I have not been up to the challenge of editing so again a good sign health wise that I had the courage to walk into the department where I always get the feeling that I am greeted by some of the staff there with a sense of despondency and ask for their help. Despite the huge list of students waiting for help I was ready for the challenge and sat waiting for the staff to finish with them and come and help me. 40 minutes later I had tried everything I could try: I realised no one was coming and my energy was gone. I wrote an email to the staff to say I was going, popped back to their office to see if they were still helping other students, only to see everyone was working i.e. they had forgotten me, so I left fuming and belittled. When you have no energy and no money you can do without such editing days. It took two hours to get home because of the snow, and this morning I felt very ill again. But hopefully I can get an extension because of my continuing health problems and I can really confront my fears and get on with the editing.

1 bit almost done.

Yippee yippee I have almost finished one bit of my practical work, a book showing my son growing up, but accompanied by theory ideas. For me the two work in conjunction, let's hope an audience will think the same,

Got to spend the weekend writing so need to go. It was useful however, talking to the Disability section, if I had realised earlier that they covered problems like mine I would have gone to them ages ago, rather than now when it is almost too late.

M.E scuppers progress

For the last week my M.E has really kicked in: the wobbly woman is back. When my M.E is really bad I cannot walk without wobbling. My thoughts are also wobblng, here I am at home, in theory in a position to do some work, but my energy has been so low that I am capable of virtually nothing. I have done a little sorting of material and that is all. But I am aware of a mountain ahead of me: The editing. At the moment it is all I can do to walk to the shops, but the editing seems a much harder task. I think knowing that by the time I am well enough to do it I will also be well enough to work means that everything will have to come at the same time, which for someone unable to work for four weeks so far seems a hell of a lot. I know that in theory the M.A is part time and not really even that many hours a week, but right now I wish I had a couple of months free and could really settle and think and do the work justice.

Knowing that my income is shot to pieces, my health is shot to pieces, I contacted my tutor. The one thing that I hope I can do is actually finish this units work and come away from the year with something to show for it, but the deadline is hurtling towards me and the work is mounting and apparently if I can get any extension from the university it will only be for two weeks. So the fear is that the qualification will be shot to pieces too. Which reminds me I must ring the university disability section.

In fear for my mental wellbeing.

Wrecked. My financial security, fragile though it is, has depended for the last few months, on money through the working tax credit system that I get because of my low income and my disability. At the beginning of this week, I got a call from the DWP and they tell me, that because I have not sent them evidence that I was in receipt of sick pay 7 years ago, that I am at risk of loosing the benefit they send me. I dont know how to survive without this help, it is as simple as that.

Wrecked. Very scary, very good, more than scary. I lead a workshop for BHM and the emotional challenge of this has both empowered and thrilled me, that people would come, share discuss, and allow me to participate in their understanding of African Caribbean representations in the era up to Obama, is overwhelming. It is also almost too overwhelming emotionally for my fragile mental health.

Syncronicity and out of sync.

So there I am at South Bank University doing video capture from Nathan's childhood films as part of my Masters, now Certificate. There are lots of children there, including two girls, both of whom are now studying at yes, South Bank University.!!!

I am very clever and far thinking. For instance when I left my job and went off to Senegal I made sure that I had had some experience of doing supply teaching locally and was signed on with the County for when I returned. And prior to deciding whether to hand my notice in to the Royal Opera House or not, I ensured that I had passed my appraisal and been informed that I was at the right standard and welcome to return to work with them in future. So why is it that my Plan B's have not ensured sufficient income to enable me to continue studying. Simple. When I returned from Senegal, Herts County Council went against their original decision and decided I was not able to work for them, and now the ROH has gone against their promise that I can return also. But with the economy inmeltdown, unless you are a billionaire banker, it looks like my present £10,000 a year annual salary and my £3000 a year transport costs will look good in years to come. It does however, mean, that continuing studying is absolutely out of the window.

Trying to pick up the pieces

A week on I at last have five minutes to try and actually do some work on the research. I have decided to try and retrace my steps and just see if there is any feedback to my posts on various blogs.

I could not remember which thread I had followed on Mumsnet, so started a new thread, asking for feedback on the topic and I immediately got an email from the organisation saying that I was doing research and therefore had to pay a fee? So when mums ask other mums a question that is not research, but when a mum asks other mums a question it is. Outed.

I have also tried re writing on the intermix site, but as always got an error message, so not sure if it will have gone on. And more frustratingly I cannot for the life of me remember a brilliant site I found. It had the names of loads of organisations working in this field. I wrote to everyone of these organisations asking if they wanted to be involved andmy intention was to follow this up with a phone call, if need be, but not one responded and now I cannot find their details for the follow up stage. Message to self on the minataur trail do not forget to lay down the string.

Seminar

I have a bad headache, one that just will not shift, but it is worth it. I think everyone on the Seminar had a good time. It really seems nice knowing we will meet, though I gravitate to the same people each time and I note other people do too. But that is okay. Everyone's work has progressed enormously. Wendy's works of art have been seen by several thousand people, Zoe's images, have gone from the rough paper, notes and concepts stage, which I loved, to a lean, clean, beautiful book. I would have liked to have looked more, Abisolah is as organised as ever and has a clear approach to her work with VB, I long to see Lara's work from Seven Sisters, but the talk was very interesting, etc, etc, Chris even presented a full 10 minutes video draft, which was of course brilliant. Compared to theirs my work looked very home spun, and even as I had made it I was worried about that, on the other hand it is a piece about domesticity in some ways. But as I drew it out of my bag and pined it up and talked about the relationship between it and the triptych etc, I realised that I do own this work and feel very good about it, even if I am not quite sure where it is going. It really made me just want to stay and work and work on it and not ever have to worry about mone or work again. One of the tutors responses was really helpful as he talked about a quote I had forgotten that I had dug out, I was too busy listening to write it down, but he absolutely nailed it. A couple of people gave me further feedback and I was pleased that my tutor also seemed to respond to the challenge of it. So I stayed for the Thursday afternoon session and crawled home to bed rather than heading for work. However, next day like most people I felt Daniel Rubinstein's seminar on Chomsky, Foucoult and Power was so good, so satisfying, that I felt that I needed some space so hurtled off to work and missed what was probably the most important part of the two days how to write the next piece!!!

The two/three days if I include Westminster have given me lots of ideas, and when the headache has gone,and the preparation for hours of teaching done, lets hope I can remember them and build on them.

Young People's Media Use and Creative Participation.

• Fatimah Awan, University of Westminster
• Alicia Blum-Ross, University of Oxford
• David Gauntlett
  
• Ranjana Das, LSE, University of London
• Reijo Kupiainen, University of Tampere
• Fiona Lennox, OFCOM
• Jane Rumble, OFCOM
  

A good day out in London. The University of Westminster held a special free day on Young Poeople's Media Use and Creative Participation. I had actually thought more young people would be in attendance, but it was more for academics, but it was good and very lively. I especially enjoyed seeing David Gauntlett as I have really enjoyed reading his books and look forward to reading his new book on creativity.

My original intention was to stay all day and therefore see everyone, but the urgent need to find work meant that I had to rush to the Opera House and then to Haringey in the search for work. But the morning speakers on research of media use in Cumbria, and then young people; filmaking and citizenship were excellent and even the potentially dry OFCOM talk was interesting and well presented. I even had the courage to ask a question. David Gauntlett had talked about how positive creativity can be, I know that to be true as this course shows, but I aslo know that for me there is a downside for being like this, that the striving and the connecting that Gauntlett anticipates, have rarely happened for me, so I am always feeling that I am out there, but not getting reinforcement as a result of my activities. For instance printing my books to raise money for the Babito clinic, but having virtually sold none. This may be a reflection of my writing, b ut even I think the book is worth more than the price of a coffee which is all the book costs!!! So leaving one feeling well...... But maybe that is just a reflection of my eeyore personality. However, the research in Cumbria also raised the possibility that certain types of young people who live in the country and who do not want to live there, may find access to the creativity of the net, a sad reminder of all that they do not have, but want. She felt therefore that these few people were "double isolated" because they were physically isolated and emotionally if you like isolated. Some of this had reasonances for me. The last speaker I heard also talked of the defiency approach to much funding for creative projects with young people, one that assumes that there has to be a deficite, that the project will fill, before funding will be allowed. And that although all the participants really got a lot from the experience, some were disappointed by the outcomes. Her research I think had some more resonances, because I think that the element of deficiency comes into my research, and the outcome may also be relevant. I therefore asked if she had come across this double isolation, but she felt that the positive elements of the process outweighed the downsides.

Tomorrow I have to go the seminar to present my work, but and a big but almost everything I had hoped would be ready to show them by now is still unfinished. I have captured some video but not edited. I have some photoshop photos to show people, and some media images to show, and virtually no media quotes, so a very long way short of my idea of a finished film to go with a physical representation of me and my son and his media use.