Friday 11th looms

You would think not working and being slightly more human I would have all the Certificate in Creative Media all wrapped up. But somehow I have lost all energy for it. I love it when I get in and do the editing, but somehow everything else has gone and I just want to finish it. I think it would be different if I was going on, because I think that there are ways the work could go, but now it is more for me, just doing it. And I still cannot quite work out how to finish my practical work, but at least in the essay I sort of say what I was trying to say, which if you think about it, is amazing. I was also able to draw on the input of friends much more than I realised, which is also amazing.

I will try and put the essay on this blog in chunks.

Friday 10th has come and gone.

Friday 10th has come and gone: the day all my work was due in. But time has become such a weird thing, this half life, when not working formally and only well enough to study sporadically that I have no sense of time or what it is. Today for instance I sat and read the information on extensions, something I have tried to grapple with before, but today I acted on the information, so rather than studying for a couple of hours, I have sort of filled in forms, and sort of approached people, but I have no real sense as to whether the information I am providing is right or adequate to get me this extension beyond a time that has already come and gone, and because I cannot get the request for an extension to the office in the due time then maybe none of this time has been spent for anything.

I would love to spend more time editing. I finally did some on Friday and it was great, love it. the whole reason I was here studying, or almost and it is only on the last day, that I finally do some.

Let's hope I get an extension and can do some more.

useful start and frustrations.

I was well enough to get to see the Disability Advisor so that was the very useful start, but then only had energy to spend a short time on the editing

Psychologically I have not been up to the challenge of editing so again a good sign health wise that I had the courage to walk into the department where I always get the feeling that I am greeted by some of the staff there with a sense of despondency and ask for their help. Despite the huge list of students waiting for help I was ready for the challenge and sat waiting for the staff to finish with them and come and help me. 40 minutes later I had tried everything I could try: I realised no one was coming and my energy was gone. I wrote an email to the staff to say I was going, popped back to their office to see if they were still helping other students, only to see everyone was working i.e. they had forgotten me, so I left fuming and belittled. When you have no energy and no money you can do without such editing days. It took two hours to get home because of the snow, and this morning I felt very ill again. But hopefully I can get an extension because of my continuing health problems and I can really confront my fears and get on with the editing.

1 bit almost done.

Yippee yippee I have almost finished one bit of my practical work, a book showing my son growing up, but accompanied by theory ideas. For me the two work in conjunction, let's hope an audience will think the same,

Got to spend the weekend writing so need to go. It was useful however, talking to the Disability section, if I had realised earlier that they covered problems like mine I would have gone to them ages ago, rather than now when it is almost too late.

M.E scuppers progress

For the last week my M.E has really kicked in: the wobbly woman is back. When my M.E is really bad I cannot walk without wobbling. My thoughts are also wobblng, here I am at home, in theory in a position to do some work, but my energy has been so low that I am capable of virtually nothing. I have done a little sorting of material and that is all. But I am aware of a mountain ahead of me: The editing. At the moment it is all I can do to walk to the shops, but the editing seems a much harder task. I think knowing that by the time I am well enough to do it I will also be well enough to work means that everything will have to come at the same time, which for someone unable to work for four weeks so far seems a hell of a lot. I know that in theory the M.A is part time and not really even that many hours a week, but right now I wish I had a couple of months free and could really settle and think and do the work justice.

Knowing that my income is shot to pieces, my health is shot to pieces, I contacted my tutor. The one thing that I hope I can do is actually finish this units work and come away from the year with something to show for it, but the deadline is hurtling towards me and the work is mounting and apparently if I can get any extension from the university it will only be for two weeks. So the fear is that the qualification will be shot to pieces too. Which reminds me I must ring the university disability section.

In fear for my mental wellbeing.

Wrecked. My financial security, fragile though it is, has depended for the last few months, on money through the working tax credit system that I get because of my low income and my disability. At the beginning of this week, I got a call from the DWP and they tell me, that because I have not sent them evidence that I was in receipt of sick pay 7 years ago, that I am at risk of loosing the benefit they send me. I dont know how to survive without this help, it is as simple as that.

Wrecked. Very scary, very good, more than scary. I lead a workshop for BHM and the emotional challenge of this has both empowered and thrilled me, that people would come, share discuss, and allow me to participate in their understanding of African Caribbean representations in the era up to Obama, is overwhelming. It is also almost too overwhelming emotionally for my fragile mental health.

Syncronicity and out of sync.

So there I am at South Bank University doing video capture from Nathan's childhood films as part of my Masters, now Certificate. There are lots of children there, including two girls, both of whom are now studying at yes, South Bank University.!!!

I am very clever and far thinking. For instance when I left my job and went off to Senegal I made sure that I had had some experience of doing supply teaching locally and was signed on with the County for when I returned. And prior to deciding whether to hand my notice in to the Royal Opera House or not, I ensured that I had passed my appraisal and been informed that I was at the right standard and welcome to return to work with them in future. So why is it that my Plan B's have not ensured sufficient income to enable me to continue studying. Simple. When I returned from Senegal, Herts County Council went against their original decision and decided I was not able to work for them, and now the ROH has gone against their promise that I can return also. But with the economy inmeltdown, unless you are a billionaire banker, it looks like my present £10,000 a year annual salary and my £3000 a year transport costs will look good in years to come. It does however, mean, that continuing studying is absolutely out of the window.