A sad traveller.

As I come out of the Elephant and Castle tube station, I soar. I see all the other people most young hanging around, gathering for their buses, discussing and I know that they are students, and I feel a rush of pride that I am considered worthy to be a student. But with the responsibility of hope comes its reverse for I set out like a tourist visiting a new town happy to be looking around part of the crowd but also vulnerable, wanting to be a real part of the scene and not just a visitor.

The staff on the desks are nice, I have lost my pass, typical. The media technician remembers my name impressive, but the discovery that I have to pay for the tape to go into the camera I have rushed down to pick up throws me. Anything that adds to my insecurity adds to my insecurity and the sudden thought that I will have to find somewhere to buy one throws me. I do not do buying things especially if I do not know where to go. His assitant throws out the name of a place, when I press for more accurate information, I feel he is dismissive. The chip on my shoulder is gigantic. I taken my swollen pride off to the place, find a very helpful shop person who sells me the right product and rush home too tired to stay, but my mind a ferment as to whether this is all the right thing to do.

Of course if I were not spending a fifth of my salary on this, and if I were well enough to work for full time and study, rather than struggling to do either, or if I knew I had more work coming in after the end of July, I suspect these knock backs to my waivering confidence would not impact, at least not as much, but coming in the wake of my friends defection I leave the Elephant dispondent. But at least I have a camera.

Tonight I put it up, no instructions nothing. Its good this paying over a thousand pounds to do a course so that I would get real detailed knowledge only to bring home a camera I could have bought for half the price and get an instruction book thrown in for good measure. I cannot help feeling that my already amateur efforst to make a video will be even more amateur. I have not really got the money to go on, but emotionally I am definitely thinking is it worth it.

Let's hope the recording goes well,cos I know the subject is okay.